I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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