she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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