You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
