my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
