The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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