My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
