i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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