Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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