At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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