If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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