Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
