we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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