And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
