every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
