My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
