my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
