He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
