i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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