1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
...so i touched it.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
