It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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