uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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