Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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