Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Oh god it's open bar.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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