Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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