she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
