i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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