White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I can't turn off my feet"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
