I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
