So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
