I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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