Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I need to sanitize my soul.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
