everyone is single if you try hard enough
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
