He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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