she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
