I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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