I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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