I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
