Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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