You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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