On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
