I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
