Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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