he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
