ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize