I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
