if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
