I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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