If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
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