First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
