I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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