god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
