oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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