dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
