My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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