I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize