Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
