1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
