the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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