Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
