He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
